Enough
by Ozluv04
Summary: It took me many years to resign myself to being his friend. Unrequited RemusSirius.Remus POV.Oneshot.


Author: Ozluv04

Title: Enough

Disclaimer: I'm not Rowling. The characters belong to her. I'm just using them for my own amusement.

Warning: Unrequited Remus/Sirius. Icked by the mere thought of slash? Then you probably shouldn't read.

A/N: Wow. This is an odd piece for me. It's very much stream of conscious. I wrote what came, how it came with the exception of the first paragraph which I added to help it flow. It's Remus musing on Sirius and Peter and the war. It's pretty much just a long exposition. Reviews welcome. Enjoy!(This is a revised version, Remus just want shut up.)

It's easy to mock Peter. To think of him as small and stupid. To ridicule him for clinging on to James and Sirius's shirt tails. To accuse him of lusting after power. All of these things are true of course. Peter is a vile, sniveling creature. But I often wonder is that his nature or was he made that way? Did we, did _they_, push him in that direction? If he had been treated as an equal, would he have become the betrayer?

The truth is, I was as much of a hanger on as Peter ever was. I was just another groupie trailing behind James and Sirius. But it wasn't James I followed. James was my friend, my equal. It was Sirius. I _worshiped _Sirius. But he never quite saw it, somehow. He knew I was in awe of him, but he never imagined...he never imagined that I, his friend Remus Lupin, might be in love with him. I envied James. Sirius told him everything. They weren't just mates, they were brothers. There was no denying that. I wanted that place in Sirius's life. I wanted him to share his secrets with me. I wanted to be his best friend.

It's funny just how far someone can fall off of a pedestal. When Sirius used me, _my condition_, to get at Severus--when he so casually put me in a position to become a murderer, he lost some of his shine. Suddenly, I saw all of Sirius's flaws. He was impulsive, stubborn, head strong, and dangerous. He wasn't even close to perfect, I could have hated him. But I didn't. He hurt me and I loved him more.

But he didn't see. He was so remorseful after the prank, he spent months trying to make it up to me. I finally felt what it was like to have Sirius Black's undivided attention. I have to say, it was a beautiful thing. He had a way of bringing all the life in me right to the surface. It was intoxicating and exhilarating and terrifying all at once. But it didn't last. After awhile things returned to normal. I fell back into his shadow again.

It took many years for me to resign myself to simply being his friend. Hell, it took many years for me to become his friend and stop being his lap dog. He never knew. He knew I loved him, he loved me too. He just never knew how deep it ran for me. How it flooded all of my senses. How it crawled into everything I was, everything I am. He never knew. The only thing I know of being in love is wrapped up in this man. I've never had him. I've never been his lover. I've only been his friend, not his best friend mind you, just his friend. And it has to be enough.

It's been enough to keep me going in the moments when I just want to stop. And those moments have come more often than I would like. But when they come, I think of Sirius and I keep going. In a perfect world, we would have been together. We would have been friends, and lovers, and everything that falls in between. In a perfect world he'd still be here. He would be here and he would be mine. But the world is not perfect and he's not here and he was never mine. But I love him and in his own way he loved me. And somehow that's enough.

But he's gone now. And this time gone means gone. There will be no miraculous return. He's simply not coming back. I hope he has rest now. No matter how much I want him here, alive beside me, I can't wish him to return to the existence he had for the past fifteen years. Living in torment and trading one incarceration for another. That is no life. It's certainly no life for a man like Sirius Black.

He's gone now and as strange as it may seem life has gone on. Not moved on exactly, just gone on. Time doesn't stop for any one man, even if it is Sirius Black. The truth is there's a war going on and a number of things to fight for. But it seems in my life there is always a war and always a number of things to fight for. So I do what is asked of me, just as I always have-probably as I always will. At least until it's my turn to pass through the veil and find some rest of my own. But that's not now, now there are missions and battles. And there's still Sirius even if he's not _here_. And that's reason enough to soldier on. It's what he would have done, after all. It is in fact what he did.

I am an old man now and my life is full of regrets. I regret trusting Peter, I regret mistrusting Sirius. I regret what I am even though this monster was thrust upon me. Most of all I regret that he never knew. That I never had the strength to tell him. But my life was not all pain and longing. There are good moments, there are beautiful moments, and he was my friend. In the end _that_ is enough.


End file.
